Love's Sweet Agony
by Pooks1979
Summary: One shot with J/B with a mixture of different parts of New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I've twisted different scenes to my liking along with some original ideas for this angsty piece.


**A/N – so this one shot is a mixture of different parts of New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I've twisted different scenes to my liking along with some original ideas and hope you enjoy it.**

What does it mean to be hollow? I suppose one could say it is the vacancy of what once resided or as the dictionary so eloquently puts it, having a space or cavity within.

I sit here staring at the ceiling, my body in excruciating pain and not by my obvious wounds but more from my loss of love from you.

It is only when I am at my weakest that I feel this hole, this hollow abyss in my chest which with every waking moment consumes me mind, body and soul. My mind is lost in a sea of unanswered questions, ones I know if I look hard enough I can find the true answers and yet I lack the will or the determination to truly ascertain such truths. It is not unclear to me that my feelings for you are not mutual, that your love for me doesn't stretch further than friendship and yet I deny these truths, deny the plausibility of such falsehoods because how can you not love someone that loves you?

The thought alone is frustrating, the reiteration of your words, those cruel and blasphemous words the only thing that echoes in my mind and reminds me of this black hole in my chest. I wish I could deny your love if only to be able to survive without it and yet that isn't enough, just like I will never be enough for you.

The frustration and anger build within me, my hand balling into fists at my sides as my muscles contract and force more undue pain throughout my body. I crumble under the intensity of such physical affliction and yet the mental strain seems more unbearable than any bruise, broken bone or strain I suffer with now.

Even after all I've done and sacrificed for you, yet and still I remain not enough to love. Is my heart so invaluable, so unworthy of your attention that it warrants such ill intent? Is it not enough that I laid my life on the line, enter a battle that was not even my own to fight in an effort to save you from the death you so confidently seek not enough to show you, prove to you that life and love were more than just disposable attributes in this journey through life?

I wonder what is it about him that makes him any better than me, more deserving of that flawless beauty that beats so vigorously within your chest? Is wealth and power more appealing than unending love and honor? Does devotion cower in comparison to endless beauty? Why would someone envy a person who lacks a soul, purpose and capacity to love because the muscle lies dead, black as the night's sky within their chest with no hope of resuscitation even if you wished it so? Why envy immortality for something as foolish as puppy love? I know in your heart you can feel it too. Your eyes have gazed upon the death and destruction that this life is sure to bring so why do you remain blinded behind its false glamour?

There are so many questions and yet I know the answer to each. It is the answer you give me each time I pose the question, each time I beg for you to choose me – _I'm not enough._ It is strange how you proclaim I lack the ability to give you what you need when for a year when he left, all you wanted was to be with me. I was enough then. I was all you needed and for a moment all you wanted and yet when the opportunity arose to save him, you threw me away and ran to his aid.

The thought alone only infuriates me further, my fists banging on the bed beneath me and the wall beside me. How could I be so foolish to believe that even if you felt obligated to save him, that once you did, the love you felt for me, were willing to give to me would somehow allow you to see and remain in the light of life?

You would think that once I saw you two together I would give up the fight, accept my defeat and move on and yet I can't. This hole, this hollow, gaping space in my chest can only be filled by you and only you. Is it my destiny to remain half a man, soulless, loveless and alone? Was this the master plan, to have me imprint on someone who can never see me as more than just a man with a special talent for fixing what's broken? If this were true why can't I fix myself? Why can't I force myself to understand that I am enough and if you can't see it then you don't deserve me?

I guess it's true what they say, love is blind. I'm blind to your inadequacies, you lack for compassion and understanding because to me you will always be my Bells. There is nothing you can do that could make me hate you, not want to see or even love you. I've become no better than your so called true love, a masochist, someone who is a glutton for punishment because to me there is only one true beat of my heart and that's you.

Unfortunately with this admittance it leaves me in no better states than when I last thought about you, the pain of your dismissal, your lack of visiting as I continue to recover from saving your life and the biggest slap in the face, the invitation to your wedding as if saying you don't love me in that way wasn't enough. Oh what sweet agony this is, to love someone who doesn't love you, to worship the very ground you walk on only to be denied your heart because you won't allow your mind to believe what your heart truly feels. I know the truth and yet it offers no solace, not enjoyable return with such knowledge because in the end, all that remains for me is the agony of despair.

The pain in my healing ribs moves upward and forces me to curl into the fetal position in recourse. This emptiness consumes me as you continue to remain vacant in my life. Can't you see I need you? Require the mere presence of you to make me whole again? Why do you continue to deny what you know to be true? Why destroy what took no effort to build because it has always been there from the very start. Did you think it coincidence our parents were best friends that growing up together was just by chance? There is no such thing as chance, only fate, destiny and a future already written and sealed by the powers that be. You were made for me and I for you. It would be just as easy as breathing with me and yet you deny that breath of fresh air, the one thing that sustains life only to claim death as your own.

I can't allow this to be and even if it means the death of me, I will see to it that you will take your last breath only because I've taken your breath away and not by the hand of some damned undead who swears he understands what it means to love unconditionally and yet has no viable means in which to understand nor physically feel such an emotion.

With empowered determination I slide my weak body over the side of the bed and force my muscles and joints to bend at my will. The pain is agonizing and yet nothing is more tortuous than a life without you. Slowly I drag my feeble body out of the bedroom and down the hall snatching the keys to my bike in passing.

I descent down the front porch, my body fighting me every step of the way, my feet barely making each step forward and the burning and ache in my muscles more agonizing with each advancement and yet I still press forward. After a long pause, I pull my weight over the bike, start the engine and speed off to my doom. I know this will be fruitless, the hope that my last dying plea will somehow open your eyes to the doom that is to follow should you chose death over life but I have to try. I can't live if living is without you. I know and understand that and even if I take my last breath stopping you from making this mistake, it will be worth the effort.

The road is treacherous as an out of nowhere storm continues to rain upon the already froze payment of the street ahead however I do not let it deter me from my mission but rather keep my eye on the prize. I stop just short of the entrance and watch as the lingering guests make their way to the backyard to attend your funeral. This will be the defining moment, the last chance I will have to show the lengths I will go to save you even if it doesn't benefit me to do so.

The injuries I incurred are a painful reminder that I'm not invincible as I hop off the bike and fall to the ground. I gaze down upon my sutured wounds and notice my arm is covered in blood. I'm stupefied at such a sight for I thought my supernatural side healed faster than my human side ever could but maybe they were wrong, maybe in the absence of your imprint you could no longer survive such casualties. It would stand to reason how this premise could have validity for in my loss of you, death somehow becomes more appealing.

Pushing all reason aside, I force all my lingering strength into my hands, gripping my wounds while I forced my legs to carry my weight once again. Taking deep breaths I pull myself up the driveway and down the side of the house towards the backyard. I can feel my life slipping away, my vision blurred and my hands warmed by the continuously flow of blood upon them. I had mere minutes left before death or unconsciousness took me but with these last minutes I would stop this travesty once and for all.

Forcing myself to stay conscious, I shake my head to steady my vision and that's when I see you, your beauty beyond comprehension in a long flowing white dress. I want nothing more than to be in his place, proclaiming my love and devotion for all to see and yet here I stand, in the shadows, denied your love for no other reason than your determination to see your relationship through.

Before I can muster the energy to call out to you, my body claims me; my hands lose feeling and motion, falling to my sides like dead weight as I fall to the ground in pain.

"Jake!" I hear you scream amongst all the "OH's" from the attending guests.

I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to see your beautiful ivory face but I can feel the warmth of your hand on my chest as you plea, "Jake what are you doing here? Oh my God…someone get help…please!"

I can feel my life slipping, this one defining moment passing me by because my body wasn't strong enough to give me this moment however, with what little I have left, I whisper, "Bella…I love you…please…don't…"

I can no longer fight the darkness that is unrelenting in its claim of my life and so I allow it to consume me, take away the pain and bring back the light that once shined so brightly from my soul however, death did not come but rather strong, powerful bursts of pressure to my chest.

I could feel someone trying to revive me and yet could do nothing to reclaim my life. Several tries is all it took before my eyes opened and I saw you once again. You were even more beautiful than moments before; the glow of your skin accented by the endless tears from your eyes only reminded me of just perfect you truly were to me.

"Jake…" you whisper as you pull my body into your arms. "I thought I lost you."

"You almost did" I reply with a slight chuckle, the vibration of my voice painful still to my sore chest muscles.

"Why did you do this? Risk your life to come here?" you question and by now I would have thought the answer was obvious but taking nothing for granted I whisper, "Because I love you. Don't you see Bella, when all the glamour is gone he will never be able to make you happy, give you the life you deserve. I came here to show you I am enough, that I'm willing to risk death just to be by your side."

Your eyes continue to spills those droplets of tears as your bottom lip quivers with uncertainty. I can see your mind is racing, your heart it telling you I speak the truth while you try to deny it all the same.

"Chose me, be with me."

For a second I get the feeling my efforts were fruitless, that you were somehow trying to devise a way to let me down gently but then the strangest thing happens, a smile appears on your face as you lower yourself down and whisper into my ear, "I already have."

Your response confuses me as the actions I witnessed a few minutes earlier say something entirely different. Pooling my strength I look over to my side and notice we are alone, no vampires or guests remain just you and I. Quickly I turn my eyes back to you and you continue, "I've been struggling with this for a while and although I thought I was making the right decision, I knew once I was there it was all wrong. I was in love but not with the man who stood by me at the altar but with the man that saved me in all the ways a person can be saved. I'm in love with you Jake."

I never thought this pain would end; this hollow abyss in my chest would ever be filled wholly and completely with love until now. Finally, after months of anguish and mental despair, after days upon days of emptiness, I can say I feel complete. My love's sweet agony has ended and with this new joy the start of a new day for us, the day Jake and his Bells fell in love.


End file.
